It should go without saying that every woman is different, and that you should pay attention to what feels good for the unique person you are with: if anything in this guide conflicts with what your partner knows or thinks would feel good for her, then go with her suggestions rather than mine. Good communication really IS the cornerstone of terrific sex, after all…
Preparing Your Hands
If you absolutely must have long fingernails for fashion reasons, then you’ll probably want to put cotton balls around them and don latex gloves before doing any penetration. If you don’t need your fingernails long, then go ahead and clip them short before playing. Even if you have short fingernails, you may in some circumstances wish to wear a latex glove on your “insertive” hand for comfort or “peace of mind” reasons; see the “Lubes and Gloves” section of this article for details.
The Basic Idea
For many women this type of vaginal penetration can be physically and emotionally intense; it isn’t the sort of play most folks would want to leap into immediately after taking their clothes off. If you think of sex as being like a feast, you should probably think of the things this article will talk about as being the “main course.”
So… Start out by kissing and stroking and teasing each other until you two can’t stand it any more (many women find that vaginal penetration and G-spot play feel especially good after a lot of cunnilingus. When the two of you get to the point where a little penetration starts to sound nice, grab your bottle of water-based lube, apply it liberally to your “insertive” hand, wait for it to heat up to near body temperature (unless you had placed your lube bottle in a bowl of warm water to keep it warm), and slowly (teasingly?) insert your first two fingers into your lover’s vagina.
At this point, many couples like to alternate between patterns such as these:
- Move your fingers in even circles all around the vagina, with your fingers as far “in” as is comfortable for the receptive partner. It generally feels best if you keep consistent, firm pressure along the entire length of the fingers against the vaginal walls and if you keep the pressure fairly constant while rotating (though you can give a LITTLE extra pressure at 12 o’clock [towards her belly] as long as you don’t break the steady rotational rhythm).
- Stop rotating and rest your fingertips on the (often slightly ridged) area of the vagina just behind the pubic bone and exert pressure upwards, towards her belly. This is direct G-spot stimulation, and it usually feels best if the fingers are subtly moving somehow. You can move them in small, slow circles, or point the fingers more sharply upwards and rock them forwards and back.
Some couples find it erotic and pleasurable when the insertive partner thrusts his or her hand in and out and in and out (and for an extra thrill, possibly exerts pressure upwards when withdrawing to involve her G-spot a little more). It might also feel good to her for you to use your thumb to rub her clitoris while the first two fingers of your hand rest, move in circles, rub her G-spot, or thrust in and out.
Your non-insertive hand can do an almost endlessly delicious variety of things. You might try:
- Holding the “penetratee”
- Gliding your hand all over her body
Depending on your mutual comfort levels with “power” play and anal play, you might also experiment with one or more of the following:
- Firmly grabbing her hair while kissing her
- Pinching her nipples
- Penetrating or just massaging the outside of her anus (especially if she’s lying on her side)
You can also lie down or crouch so that your head is next to hers and whisper hot things in her ear (incorporating fantasies which you know your partner enjoys into your verbal teasing and hot talk is almost always fun). Passionate kissing is usually welcome, as is licking or sucking your partner’s nipples while she is being penetrated.
Licking, kissing, or sucking on your partner’s clitoris might also feel good to her during vaginal penetration. You and your partner might find vaginal penetration and G-spot play to be more arousing if she is somehow pleasuring you as you are pleasuring her; this can work equally well for same-sex as for opposite-sex couples, though you might have to do some experimenting to find the body positions that are most comfortable for the two of you.
Most women who have experienced both claim that it is easier to have multiple G-spot orgasms than it is to have multiple clitoral orgasms. If an orgasm rears its lovely head while you two are playing, try whispering some words of encouragement (and perhaps ratchet up the intensity just a little bit), but basically continue pleasuring through her orgasm, afterwards, and possibly into a next one. As long as it still feels good for both of you, what’s the point of stopping? There is often a “pyramid effect” with multiple G-spot orgasms; each one makes the next one feel better, and makes almost anything else sexual feel better too. However, as I said earlier everybody is a little different, and quality is obviously more important than quantity.
It IS true for some women that G-Spot play may become more likely to result in orgasm over a period of weeks or months after first starting to experiment with it. It is also true that the intensity of G-Spot orgasms may be directly related to pubococcygeal muscle tone, which is another incentive for doing regular PC muscle exercises (see The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex for more details).
By the way, in general it isn’t a good idea to have a huge ego/emotional stake in having (or “giving”) orgasms or multiple orgasms; most sex educators believe it isn’t helpful to get “goal oriented” about something that’s supposed to be fun.
Some women enjoy vaginal fisting (having all or most of their lover’s hand in their vagina). This is DEFINITELY a case where you should proceed only with your partner’s active and ongoing encouragement and within her comfort level. If you two would like to give vaginal fisting a try, then I’d recommend first reading Deborah Addington’s book A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. However, the basic technique is as follows: with your hand palm up (and your lover on her back or on all fours) bring your fingers and thumb together to form something that looks like a duck bill. With massaging, and possibly gentle twisting motions, slowly tease your hand into her vagina. If your anatomies allows it, once you get past the third knuckles your fingers will start to gently and naturally curve back to form a fist. The whole procedure takes time and plenty of trust, but the women and men who can take a whole hand vaginally or anally often claim that it leads them to transcendent, ecstatic altered states (read TRUST/The Hand Bookby Bert Herrman for a discussion of anal fisting, if that is your area of interest).
Even if safer sex issues are not a concern, many women find that it is more physically comfortable to be fisted when their partner is wearing (possibly powder-free) latex gloves.
Anatomical Musings on Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot
According to The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, the G-spot, anatomically, is the area beneath the urethral sponge (see the illustrations below, from the alt.sex FAQ). This might at least partially explain its role in what is often called “female ejaculation.” It also may shed light on why G-spot stimulation makes some women feel as if they have to urinate when they really don’t (several studies have shown that female ejaculate is not urine).
Many of these G-spot techniques will work in a similar fashion on men when performed anally. Men have what is called a “prostate gland,” the stimulation of which can provoke and/or intensify orgasms. One may stimulate the prostate gland with one or two fingers a few inches inside the anus pressing towards the penis, which leaves the other hand free to massage the penis itself. The prostate gland usually feels like a little dome. Please see the latest edition of Jack Morin’s book Anal Pleasure and Health or The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Menfor more information on prostate play.
Lubes and Gloves
It is almost certainly true that you are much less likely to pick up or transmit diseases from the activities this document describes than you are from many other common sexual activities (such as unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse). If you and your partner don’t wish to use gloves and one or both of you is possibly infectious, just be aware that menstruation or the presence of cuts on your hands adds risk, and washing your hands with hot water and anti-bacterial soap after playing (before rubbing your eyes) reduces risk. For absolute protection when playing with someone of unknown HIV/STD status (and/or when YOU are of unknown HIV/STD status), standard latex “examination” gloves can be used.
Boxes of these gloves may be purchased at many drug stores. Except in cases of powder allergies or sensitivities it doesn’t matter whether the gloves are powdered or not, but do make sure you buy the size that fits you properly.
I’ve tried a lot of different products and have personally settled on the following choices:
Water-Based Lube: Slippery Stuff Latex Condoms: Kimono Microthins, without N-9 Oral Barriers: Glyde "Lollyles" Gloves: Standard Latex Examination Gloves, unpowdered
I’ve also tried the new silicone-based lubes, which feel like oils (and can be used underwater) but which have many of the desirable properties of water-based lubes (including being safe to use with latex). Some women have liked the vaginal feel of these silicone lubes but most haven’t, leading me to conclude that they might be more appropriate for anal intercourse and male genital massage than for G-spot play or vaginal intercourse. Water-based lubes without Nonoxynol-9 are still the best all-around lube choice, in my opinion.
The plain Kimono MicroThins condoms taste fine for oral sex; certainly, they taste better than powdered, unlubed condoms and those mint condoms (if you find a Kimono MicroThin condom that tastes bad, it’s probably because you picked up one of the Nonoxynol-9-coated ones by mistake). The Glyde barriers, like all oral barriers, feel even better if you put a drop of water-based lube on your partner’s side before applying them. Some men like to put a drop of water-based lube in the tip of a condom before putting it on to increase sensation, but other men (especially those who have been circumcised) don’t notice a significant difference.
A Final Comment
Ultimately, most sex is about pleasure and/or intimacy rather than “technique,” and if one’s entire focus is on “technique” rather than either of these things sex can often lose some of its spark. In other words, this whole article should be taken with a grain of salt; it has value only insofar as it inspires more pleasure, passion, and joy in your life.