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BDSM and Power Relationships

Again I wish I could take credit for this article, A lot of good information, on the struggles of BDSM of people in high ranking jobs and how it is dealt with. Having so much control at work, but needing to give up the power once home.

In our society there is a sexual underground….an underground of individuals who have chosen to become involved in a power relationship. These relationshipsare real and the individuals involved take them very seriously. They refer to anyone who is not a part of their lifestyle as being vanilla.

This underground is referenced by the use of various terminologies: BDSM (Bondage-Sado-Masochism, Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, Top/bottom. Images of torture, pain, handcuffs, and whips run through one’s mind at hearing such terms.

But what is the truth about this mysterious underground? Are the people who walk in that world so different from those who do not?

Take the case of Master Jay. Master Jay is a company executive. He is well-respected in his field and with all who know him. He is divorced, but continues to have a loving family life filled with children and grandchildren who he visits frequently. Anyone who knows him would have no clue as to his secret life. Everyone would be surprised to know that he has a playroom filled with whips, chains, paddles, handcuffs, spreader bars, blindfold, gags, collars, leashes, and an assortment of sexual toys. They would be even more surprised to know that Master Jay has trained several slaves and is in the process of training two more.

Or take Tina. Tina works hard each day in a management position. She is a strong decision maker and has risen to the top of her profession. She is divorced, and a loving mother. Everyone would be surprised to know that on her days off she is naked, kneeling in front of her Master, blindfolded, receiving lashes from his whip as she thanks him through her tears.

Then there is the case of Sarah and Mike. They have been married for fifteen years and have three beautiful children. What many people do not realize is the fact that aside from the fact they are husband and wife, they are also Master and slave. During the time she is at home, she is required to be naked at all times, even in front of the children. The children think nothing of it for they have never seen their mother at home with clothes on. It is only when she ventures out in public she will cover herself. The rest of the time, she is perfectly happy to be naked. In the case of Master Mike and Slave Sarah, there are also other slaves that come into the home for training. Master Mike will train them, and they will also serve as house servants. Sometimes Slave Sarah obediently steps aside while Master Mike beds one of the other slaves. Sometimes she is asked to join in. Punishment is swift and harsh in their home. Sarah has spent many a night naked and cold in the dungeon (which is in the basement), with lash marks covering her body. She has learned to be a very obedient slave.

The scope of play scenarios is vast in the area of BDSM. To name a few there is bondage, whipping, sensory deprivation, nipple torture, golden showers, knife play, electrocution, and candle wax play. There are play parties and BDSM clubs where people in the lifestyle can meet get to know one another.

For many involved in the lifestyle, it is not so much the physical aspects of the relationship that are important. It is the mental and emotional aspect. That feeling of total control a Master has when his slave is obeying is described as something very much like a high. Likewise, that feeling a slave has of totally surrendering to her Master, heart, body, and soul, is like no other, and has been described as floating.

There are many misconceptions regarding the lifestyle. Those who live in the vanilla world see nothing but kinky dangerous sex by a bunch of people who have problems. Some of the misconceptions are:

Such relationship are all about sex

Such relationships are cold and unloving.

Such relationships are all about abuse.

In an abusive relationship, the abuser is someone who does not know how to control his anger. In a power relationship, a Master is in control and fully aware of what he is doing. Anything he does is not done in anger. His reasons for inflicting pain could be many. Perhaps his slave is a masochist and enjoys such pain. Perhaps he is trying to get his slave to feel and release her tears and anguish that she holds deep inside. Very often, after a scene which involves pain and tears, the Master will hold his slave and cuddle her like a child, letting her know that she is safe as he encourages her to let all of her feelings out.

In an abusive relationship, there is always a victim. But in a BDSM relationship, there is no victim. Both people are there in the relationship because that is where they want to be. Women in the lifestyle who consent to being whipped or bound consent because it is what they desire. Not only do they desire it, they need it.

Very often in BDSM relationships, the use of safe words is encouraged. A safe word is a word picked by the slave/submissive to use if a scene becomes too intense. The word is usually one that has no place in a scene. “Stop” is not an option, because that word is often used in play, but not really meant. A better word would be one that is neutral…something such as “apple”. This will signify to the Master that the slave cannot continue for reasons of safety or discomfort.

As far as terminology goes, the words “slave” and “submissive” are often used interchangeably, but they are two very different terms. A submissive is someone who desires to give up her control, but she still has a certain amount of say. If her dominant tells her to do something and she doesn’t feel like she can, she just tells him and he will move on to something else. A “slave”, on the other hand, is totally given to her Master. She loses all of her rights and becomes his “property”. She goes into the relationship fully aware of this. She does what he tells her, and if she chooses not to or to argue about it, there will be consequences. The ultimate consequence is to be released by one’s Master.

A slave will move through different stages in her relationship with her Master. To be collared is a very serious event, and is thought of almost in the same way a ring is thought of in a marriage. Other symbols of commitment are tatoos, piercings, and even brandings.

This sexual underground is one that is misunderstood. The misunderstanding comes, in part, because it is an underground world. The topic is not one that is discussed among those who are not a part of the alternative lifestyle community. This will change with more open discussion and education on the subject.This is one of the most common misconceptions. While it is true that there are aspects of sadism and masochism in certain areas of BDSM, it is not considered abuse by members of the lifestyle. There are two things present in power relationships that are not present in abusive relationships…power and consent. Most of those involved in this alternative lifestyle will say that it is the deepest, most meaningful relationship they have ever had. This partly comes from the amount of trust and honesty there must be. Totally surrendering to another human being means that total trust must be present. Accepting that gift of total submission is also a huge leap of faith. A deep bond is the end result, and it is not easily severed. . This is far from the truth. Most of those involved in the lifestyle will admit that the biggest turn on is the control factor, not the sex. Some couples in power relationships do not have sex at all. These are more about facing fears, pushing limits, becoming stronger individuals in their primary relationships, and the power relationship is seen as a training ground to become better and stronger in other areas of life.

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Vile.

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5 comments on “BDSM and Power Relationships

  1. Reblogged this on Ramblings of Everything and commented:
    Add your thoughts here… (optional)

  2. Vile, I just wanted to thank you for posting this and well thank you for your blog in general. I always had trouble reconciling what I wanted, what I knew I really wanted with how I was raised, as well as my fear of being “outed” and the stigma I believe is incorrectly attached to this lifestyle.
    As you may have read on my blog I am now starting to own up to who I am, what I want, what I need in my life and my future relationships. You may not and probably do not condone what is happening in my current relationship.
    I agree that this is the most open and honest form of relationship I have ever experienced and am ashamed that I walked away from it earlier in life to be deemed more socially acceptable. It is a decision, not that I regret as I am learning that life is too short for regret, but certainly one that I have learned from.
    Thank you again for continuing to provide a wealth of knowledge and insight.
    Sincerely,
    W & R

  3. Ahhh it way to fucking early to be up. Hey I am not here to judge anyone for there actions,I pretty much went through the same thing you did. I tried for several years to be someone I was not.
    I wanted the wife, the house with the little white fence, kids, a dog. you know the drill.

    I can say this a vanilla marriage is rarely broken, even with the cheating part. Most of the time a woman will forgive no matter what you have done..

    Okay here I am probably going to catch some flack, here we go, hmm maybe this should be a private email.
    The Key to being a good Dominant is number one, being in control and not controlling, I say this over and over. Being able to get into the submissives or slave head, but most of all being able to hold it, and not lose it.
    Here we go my friend, any female with a few exceptions is submissive, any female will submit, to the right one. The key is being able to get into there head, and not taking advantage of.
    Your wife with a little work would have probably submitted, just as my ex wife would have, but I was not in love, so why lead someone down a false path.

    We are human we have needs, everyone is different, so the needs are different, the kinks are different, the control is different, the amount of control each submissive wants to give up.
    So the dominant and submissive has to search to find the one there compatible with. The problem is most settle for less than what they really want, because they are lonely.
    In the end it fails, that never works, the sex is good for a couple of months, but that is as far as is goes.
    The problem is most men and dominants think with there dick, instead of there brain, submissives want attention, want to be held, cared for. So the dominant who thinks with there dick, can really fuck someone up, because there are no feelings there, the submissive is just being used, until the next best thing comes along.

    I am single by choice, sure I could settle for less if I wanted, but why put myself through that, for some pussy nah, I am past that. I am 49 years old and have been in love one time, I mean true love someone I would of taken a bullet for.
    That is what I want, and I wont settle for less, so I have been actively looking for about 6 months, and it will happen.
    Do I condone what you did, man that is you, no one can judge you, maybe your soon to be ex, her family, your family but you know what. Who cares? You are your own man, if you can go to sleep at night with a clear conscious your good, eh the guilt will be there for a while, but the bottom line is you have to be happy.
    Its you man.

  4. Thanks Vile, I appreciate that and I really hope you find the one you that you are looking for and can start your journey together.

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